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Paradise

It's the second to the last day of the year and I'm sitting at the lap top of my sister whcich she left so I can skype with her while she is in california for her semester abroad.
At the moment I'm listening to Paradise by Vanessa Carlton while I'm halfheartly wathch thinspiration which I REALLY need at the moment. My weight issue got worse by the time. Today I weighed 150.4 lbs which makes me almost cry combined with this music!

The good thing about this blog is that nobody is readin git anymore which makes it to my personal diary. I consider to write more frequently because it helps me to remind my useless life... all the insignificant events happening in my life. That's how I rediscovered this site because I wanted a little review of what I became and how I got there. only 15 days until I'm 18 years old and ich achieved nothing so far weightwise.
WEIGHT it is still one of the most important parts in my life though with time passing by I got SO weak. All my self-control all of my strenght, my conviction faded. There is just a little relic of my former glorious thin self which I was when I returned from England summer 2007. It was the poudest time in my life when I weighed 116 lbs which isn't roughly enough to call myself anorexic. I've never belonged to that goddesses which had the determination. I'ver never was brave enough to make the last steps and now I'm not strong enough, not determined enough to go back to my former self though I really want to.
Believe me I tried... my aim was to weigh 132 lbs at my 18th birthday I tried for 2 months and now look at me I gained instead. Can you believe that I would be satisfied with 132 lbs?! Where are my hopes, believes that sometime I could be at 110 lbs. one of the goddesses. Once in my life perfect...

Today I cleared out my closet! It was so depressing because I had to try on my clothes to see if they still fit. Guess what I ahd to say goodbey to half of my closet. I hope there'll come the time when I recover to fight again. Against this ffat girl inside me which broke to the surface and locked up my fragile self inside. Under all this fat. Somewhere inside silenced by all this food I eat all the day!
Self pity ... I'm so disgusting. I want to change. I don't want to be this ugly girl when I'm turning 18. BUt I gambled away my chance on happiness. There isn't enough time left.
I should stop with this philosophic stuff. The original purpos was to post my thoughts about the things I blogged in the last two years and to update and talk abuot my current situation beside my weight.

My sister is gone to california for three months. After US she's going to china where she has an internship. She'll miss my 18th birthdday... she won't be there which makes me burst into tears. I miss her horribly.
Tomorrow is the end of the year 2008. A chance which scares me because I have all this great resolution: get thinner (WAY THINNER) --> get in shape (loose my chubby arms, but, belly), be more feminine, get grades in school.... BUt back to reality tomorrow my Mum, my granny and me are going to the opera to watch the musical 'Cats'... tell me how pitiful is it to celebrate New Year's Eve with your mother and your grandmother???... and afterwards my Mum got an invitation for a party in a restaurant which will be changed into a 'club'. Well I'm kind of pessimistic because I don't now what I can aspect. As well I'm prettynervous as far as my outfit for tomorrow evening is concerned. I wanted to wear a classy black dress but I was to frightened to try it on today because I think it won't fit anymore... that means I have to try it on tomorrow, it won't fit and I'm going to break down because I don't know what to wear.
May be something I should mention at this point is my bonding with mercedes who became my best friend. SHe also has an ED though I can't evaluate how severe it is. She is tall about 1.72 m and she weighs 136.6 lbs. EVerytime I'm with her I feel small, chubby and ugly and JEALOUS!! And she is always complaining I'm fat and I ate too much. She also blames me for her saying all the time that she ate too much because she claims that I would have said it all the time and now she is doing it as well because of ME. I felt like shit when she explained it to me. From the 4th January to the 12th I'm going with her and her family to Leogang for skiing. Hope I'll loose weight (It is so much easier to loose when I'm not at home).

I think that is all for now. I hope so much that I'll be able to change myself. I promise to post more often for all those who have slightly interest in my life.





30.12.08 23:00
 


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